I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
