I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
