Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
