Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
