toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
