No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize