That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
