Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
