all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
