This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
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We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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