I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
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She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
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Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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