so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
