I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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