i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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