I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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