this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
