community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
