WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
