Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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