he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I know her cup size but not her name....
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