Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
