Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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