i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I need moral support for this bender
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
