Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
