omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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