Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
