3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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