Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
