Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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