The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
