No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
