Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
