Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
