I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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