We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
