So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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