I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
