U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
