Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
