My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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