Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
