my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
