His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
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Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
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We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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