Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
