I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
