I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
