i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
