Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
