so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
