So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
