Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
