I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
