You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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