Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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