You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
