So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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